Instead of a FB novel post

I was doing a FB post but then decided it was too long and whiney. So I am posting it here instead. Okay I forgot about one great thing that happened. Someone we know from church was doing research for me on who the best Pancreas Drs are. While doing this, his friend who is a Dr and treats pancreas patients agreed to at see me for a consultation (but made sure his friend and we knew that he couldn't promise anything). David found this out yesterday but this phone call came in while I was in pain and so of course I forgot. He reminded me tonight though, and I just remembered In the beginning of my illness, I sought out the best pancreas Drs, and went all over the country trying to get better. Later, once those pancreas Drs had me convinced that I was crazy and my pancreas was not an issue anymore, I stopped seeking answers about my pancreas and just worked on getting the complications caused by the pancreatitis fixed (SMA syndrome, MALS and Nutcracker syndrome). My psychiatrist said I actually got PTSD induced by so many Drs telling me the pancreas pain was all in my head. So this is why I was so upset when I finished up healing from the last surgery to fix the last known complication from pancreatitis (SMA syndrome), and I still had that original pain that it all started with. Still the pain I attributed to be coming from my pancreas (because it was the same as the pancreatitis pain from my first pancreatitis attack in 2011) but then allowed myself to believe couldn't have been anything but in my head, like so many Drs said. Now there are pancreas specialists who told me I do have chronic pancreatitis, and I had a blocked bile duct for 10 yrs, which is why acute attacks like this current one will continue to happen for the rest of my life, triggered by almost anything. The liver damage on the other hand (caused by the blocked bile duct) will be able to heal itself. The pancreas just does not heal or regenerate. Not even for people like me who are awesome, stay positive, pray literally ten times a day, and don't even drink alcohol (but you'll never get my Dr Pepper from me!). We don't all get the miracles we pray for, but I do know I can get through this. I won't let it kill me, even if it makes my existence miserable. The insurance nurse actually said Monday that she was surprised I didn't die before making it to the Utah hospital admission at the end of June. I was surprised she thought that possible, but David wasn't. He said I was wasting away. I knew I was in crazy pain but I had been in pain for 11 years already, Maybe I was just building up the endurance for this acute attack... If that's the case, it still took 11 yrs and I still can't handle this pain. I can't sleep either if you haven't noticed. Way too much pain. I did sleep 3 hrs yesterday but david said I was still whimpering in my sleep. Maybe I'll go find the Nyquil. Pretty sure we have some.